I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
i wonder if she gts uncomfortable walkin bu when she knows we all know what her pussy tastes like
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Both he AND his 17 year old son were hitting on me... I'm bridging generational gaps
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I would have screamed and cried and bled and shit and then died. Fuck that guy.
If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
I think I shall call his penis Gatsby. We talk about it all the time, but I never see it.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
How do I tell this guy that if he does not like the condoms at my apartment, he should bring his own without sounding like a sure thing?
Say it's BYOC night at the beach. And, you are a sure thing. Own it.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
Randomize
