Already got asked if we're dating
return my video game
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
Sorry I forced you to take an adderall at 1am and then proceeded to dance to Lose Yourself outside of Qdoba.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
Dylan just paid 30 bucks to have himself wrapped in the clear plastic they wrap luggage in at the airport. Bring scissors.
It's that whole "half Japanese, half asshole" thing. My brother and I have found that people really go for that
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
Always a gay best friend, never a bridesmaid
I kind of really want to call off the engagement but I kind of need his mom's mashed potatoes on thanksgiving so I'm between a rock & a hard place here
I AM OFFICIALLY LICENSED TO BE A LESBIAN
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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