My liver just broke up with me...
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
Bering your kids um. Abiout tol. Throw up
you goin out tonight?
who is this.
your orgasm for tonight
I'm alone drinking at the bar and the titanic theme song is on. This won't end well.
Apparently we were just playing "bang a bridesmaid". I'm not sure if I won or lost...
He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
How early is too early for a booty call on a Monday night?
I'm killing it this week, I've peed my pants and put my vibrator into the washing machine.
5 seconds ago I had no idea that a fart could travel so fastly thru the tanning bed. I taste it in the back of my neck.
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
When I planned out my evening, "co-author lesbian vampire erotica" was not anywhere on my list of expected activities.
Me neither, but hey, this is where we've ended up. Let's embrace the moment.
Randomize
