I was thinking about texting her and telling her I had syphilis when I was with her and that she should get tested. just for shits and giggles. skank dahaha
i wonder what barack obama's brickbreaker high score is...
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.
One good thing about being a mom now, I can tell which guys I'm dating were breastfed and which weren't... By the way they latch on to my breast during sex! Kinda kills the mood.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.
I wiped my ass with some girl's sock, I would honestly admit if I hate Caitlin's sandwich.
I've had more orgasms than showers this week.
Just got hit on by a 28-year old, quadraplegic, triple-cancer-survivor redneck. Now updating bucket list to meet newfound standards.
Randomize
