Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
I think he was having a seizure but nobody knew because 'what is love' was playing
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
It's sad that he has such a beautiful cock and doesn't know what to do with it.
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
I feel like his dick looks like a decorative autumn squash.
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Hopefully they won't bring up last year's Christmas party. I kind of predicted my great aunt's death...
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