I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake
Your French couch surfers have just started playing flip cup with old crow. Basically you need to come back here
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
Yeah. Not my best idea. But I'm hoping for the best . And by best, I mean not jail
You know it's going to be a good night when you're barking by 8:20.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I'm pretty sure i doubled the number of dicks I've ever touched, last night.
Randomize
