Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
I never want a future conversation of ours to include the words "quart of semen" in it
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Sorry I dragged you across a parking lot
Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
Btw any and all sexual fantasies or arousal I had about cops is null and void.
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
as a side note pls kill me
he called her and asked for me. he wants to do dinner and a movie
her booty call wants to take you to dinner?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
