So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
update: ifinallt managed t5o be in a. Horizontal position without throwing up... the snmall victories.
Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?
Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.
Chef at hibachi place learned it was my bday and sprayed 20 second count worth of saki in my mouth. Not sure it was the right image to share with my kids, but thought you'd be proud.
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
The things i do for you...I put all those condoms on a bed, complete with girl, and you sleep in the bathroom
He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
A man just sang Jennifer Lopez to me out his car window. I am not sure how I feel about this, but it is not positively.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
You make any dick jokes involving sushi and there WILL be consequences.
Sushi is fucking sacred in this house and I will kill you if you try and taint that.
*jedi mind trick* you want to go down on me
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Randomize
