To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.
We should celebrate the resignation of Berlusconi tonight with too many bottles of wine and sambuca. We're allies, right?
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
Being the only woman in a triathlon group - it's a penis paradise.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
i'm sad to say... seems like women around here set up their armageddon booty calls ahead of time. wanna fill all these condoms with tequila and head downtown???
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
Thanks for the Beyonce article. In other news, I just passed a man with the state of Florida tattooed on his face.
You can not love someone based on who they were when they were 9. Does he know how many dicks I've sucked since then?
I just smoked weed with my physics professor. Tell me how my life is this.
I threw up in 4 different Starbucks across the city before 9 am.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
Thanks for driving us home last night. Also, blanket apology for anything I may have said/done. I blacked out sometime near the t-shirt cape incident
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