My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
Woke up with my face in a bowl of cereal. This is tequila's way of saying fuck you.
Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.
The multiple male orgasm is a real thing. I've seen it. I've caused it. I called him a unicorn.
You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I'm totally going to bang the cable guy tonight. I'm so pumped
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
I've got five complains from the landlord about she being too loud during sex in two weeks I'm marrying her
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
WHERE THE FUCK AM I? AND WHO PUT DUCK TAPE ON MY NIPPLES! MY NIPPLES!!!!!!
Wait til you see what we did to Dave. Hairy bastard will never be the same
Everyone else's "needs" are getting in the way of my alcoholism.
Randomize
