Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
omg. if hes just gonna get mad everytime i have sex with one of his "friends" then it was never gonna work out
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.
Nuts. Absolutely nuts. she just screamed in my face something about not knowing whats happening and then got tackled by a dude
You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.
But Alex is drunk in Philly and I told him to come see me so that's "first-love,-drunk,-high,-and-it's-a-snow-day-hook-up-with-an-ex" points. 69
Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.
Best compliment ever: Being told that you really understand sex by a professional. After she gave you a HANDJOB.
He's not messing around tonight. 4 fist pumps.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I just ate a handful of salt
I thought this was a good idea
Anytime you wish.we are doing double shots in the kitchen,and I drank a beer in the shower,so...the sooner you get here,the sooner you can get on our level.
Randomize
