my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...
He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
was i wearing any clothes at that point?
socks and a thong
I just fanned myself with my wet toothbrush to dry my mascara. Wtf
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
So... he's my second cousin's step-bro... To do or not to do?
Randomize
