Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
admittedly, it's a little weird getting relationship advice from the mother of a former one night stand. but she's a wise lady and she buys me drinks, so i'm ok with it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?
The drag queen we did coke with is going to be on Ru Paul's drag race. I feel so proud.
Dedication to a hook up: I had to recruit five people at the train station to help me buy a ticket from a kiosk and get on the right train in 15 minutes because I discovered that my car was stolen.
My body is like , remember when you wouldn't let me puke last night? Good luck at work fucker.
yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are
Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
I was so drunk last night I asked a rando at the bar to take a picture with me cause I thought he was in the band
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
This is like the first time all week I've properly taken my birth control. My ovaries are so stoked I just know it.
I was walking out of the bar when he said I'll see you later and I said I'll see you in my dreams and then fell face first and broke my nose
Randomize
