Dude, just got a bummer.
What??
A blow job from a homeless chick.
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
i knew it was time to leave when he woke me up only wearing pooh bear oven mitts and holding a plate of thank you pancakes
i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
I'm just gonna wear a long dress with no panties today. My pussy needs a break.
What kind of costume was that supposed to be??
I'm an orgasm trader!
I'm about 95% it's a collapsed lung. Go big right?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
No, next time he offers you a ride home, ask him about Batman. The result will always be road head.
OK, but next time I'd like to be present for our make-up sex.
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
I need something that says "I'm gay sometimes but I feel scorned by my straight, non-committal lover, so I'm here to get drunk and make out, and possibly end up in a bathroom with someone who's name I won't remember tomorrow"
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
