i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"
The sky will open, cue choir of angels: "oh! wow! Matt was right! Not only will I grow out my bush, but I'm going to date straight, available men!"
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
Are we in any of the areas with tornados?
Dude, i don't even have pants on yet, it's too early to think about tornadoes.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
I opened the door and his girlfriend was standing there; we made silent, prolonged eye contact as I quietly put on my panties and left.
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
Two old ladies openly mocked me this morning at drunk breakfast. Is it time to reevaluate my life choices?
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
I remember is someone saying "I smell weed" and then having a room full of sober high school kids look at me.
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