I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
He jizzed my face. I had to ask for a washcloth. He ran his underwear under the water and handed them to me. Not so romantic.
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
i think the whole apartment complex could hear you beating off last night
I like how my family gatherings are basically an ugly sweater party just with better beer and wine...
Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
I've never seen a grown man cry so much after getting jerked off by a stripper. I say it's the best $600 he ever spent.
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.
I partied with a deaf mute last night. strangely enough the more drunk I get the easier it is to understand him.
no strings attached, like you could fuck him and then throw him off a building right after
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
Randomize
