It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.
you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it
Woke up this morning on my doorstep in a basket with a branch, a lipstick lightning bolt on my head and a sign that said "the boy who lived." i love you guys.
She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
your sister totally cock blocked me last night don't even think about inviting her to taco night
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
There's a point in life when you've got to take dick like a big girl.
Randomize
