I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
apparently it's not kosher to shit in a litter box when there's a line for the bathroom
his cum shot went directly into his bellybutton. felt like i was playin ski ball
I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
he ate me out like he was chugging a beer.
The moment you ate chicken nuggets out of your purse you were my hero.
Where the hell did i get chicken nuggets from
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
I like you as a friend, but I'm in love with your dick.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
I felt like the hulk waking up from a black out except with munchies
So it turns out strippers do encores if enough people yell. Encore song: Self Esteem.
you would not believe who i just fucked on my lunch break
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