there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
A "Tom-vomit" is when you puke but cough as it comes up, so you close you mouth as a natural reaction and the vomit is jet-propelled out your noise.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.
Where were you?
Laughing
I just noped my wife on Tinder. Turns out I was the second one to find out that we both have it.
I am now banned from the bar... Because you got head from my ex in the woman's restroom
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Randomize
