Bar closing I am hiding in the bathroom. do you think anyone will find me?
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
I got concerned once i realized you weren't there to hear us having sex. See I do worry about you.
I'm in public and Taylor Swift is playing. It is taking all my effort to not screech like a goat.
Those boxers don't belong to me anymore. They belong to the desert surrounding Phoenix.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Why is the microwave staring at me?!
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
Do you ever just want to be mashed potatoes?
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