i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
yeah so this exboyfriend of yours reckons you're still together and he punched me in the face cos i slept with you last week. you might wanna have a word with him or at a minimum change your facebook status.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.
Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
TIL a potato cannon can be loaded with dildos as ammunition. Boy, do our neighbours love us!
Also, I've finally come to the point in the relationship when having sex with socks on is ok.
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
No ive been in the mountains getting high and baking cookies with a 4 year old
Cmon. I wasn't that bad.
You stumbled ass first into the litter box, and everytime we tried to get you to move you said " if I fits. I sits."
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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