this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
dudes here are drinking wine, and not in the forgivable 'just doing this to get laid' way
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
Fat girl left in a hurry. Possibly had to do with the missing bathroom door in my apartment.
Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?
The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.
I was so drugged up it was amazing, I felt like a dinosaur "because I enjoyed spinach, and I got apple juice and only dinosaurs get apple juice" according to me the day of, and last night I felt like a rocket ship
I have a half pound of weed, a case of beer, 8 frozen pizzas and a hard dick. You have a high tech super-bong and a chest of sex toys. That's our vacation week right there.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I have just received a gold-medal-deserving sext. He wrote me a fucking novel. Not only am I incredibly turned on but I am beyond impressed. He is the sext god. I must bow to him.
Just set the kids up with doughnuts downstairs so I could go up and masturbate uninterrupted. I am such a good mom.
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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