i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
and thats how i got kicked in the balls by micky mouse
shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.
wrong number but thanks
Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?
He suggested abortion before I finished the sentence. That was my plan too, but now I feel like should keep it just to prove how big of a dick he is.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
IM DRINK YORE HIFH WE ARE POSTERCHOLD OF AMERICA
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Can we make sure camping doesn't turn into forest-orgy?
Lol, last year was UNREAL
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
I don't need no damn man when I have the cock-a-nator 2000.
So when did "Are you okay?" translate into "Don't tell me you got fucked by another rando after another rager"?
she keeps trying to brush her hair with leaves and insisting she's not high
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