I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
Glad we went casual last night, made my 1pm walk of shame through Walmart a little less obvious
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
In the ER with Chelz, I may have broken her ankle during sex. Lovely.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
He offered me handsanitizer after a hand job, you can't tell me he's not perfect!
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Where you at? Come home and endure this shit show called "The Second Presidential Debate".
dude idk where I am. fuckin like. there wheat field and a horizon and shit. I think I got on a bus? some dude named Sam gave me a pamphlet about Jesus.
Randomize
