I have to get up uber early tomorrow. Which is why I started drinking early today
Lady next to me is getting american flags airburshed on her nails. god bless the ghetto.
her dad is making me watch Glen Beck, i only agreed because i penetrated his daughter earlier.
went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.
Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I was going to make you have an awkward boner around all your coworkers but then I fell asleep.
They are gonna stay together and get married and have 2 children before he wakes up and realizes that there is more to life than anal
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
ok first of all what the fuck
were you aware we were supposed to be taking care of her hamster this weekend?
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