the boobs are fake... i feel like i just found out santa isn't real.
Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?
And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud
We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.
You guys make me sad
You misspelled jealous there
He's taking me to Burger King to celebrate losing my virginity..
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
All I know is that I have a black eye and an extra $200 in my wallet. Other than that, clueless.
Be happy for me... Or horny... Or be a really good friend and feel what I want you to feel. Jealousy
I don't blame you. I made YouTube videos of me singing Rent songs then slept with a married couple. Fucking tequila.
I was trying to come up with a reason why you shouldn't be naked in front of me, and now I have 'If you give a mouse a cookie" stuck in my head
Is it wrong for me to wish my cat had arms to get me a beer?
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