Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
I looked him in the face and asked if we could stop. he asked why. I said "I can't feel it.". ...I feel bad; I should have faked.
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I seem to remember you being very disappointed that drinking Michelob Ultra didn't give you magic powers.
Hold on, I gotta pump breast milk for the white russians.
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts
Random memory from the wedding, the bartender showed us how to open the windows and piss out of them.
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
PS if you want to hear something hilarious as my little sister was showing me her engagement ring I open a Snapchat from R and it's literally a dick pic. Very different points in our life
Randomize
