I want your puppy
I meant pussy
I would rather you take my puppy
the recession has oofficially hit my standards.
what has become of my life if the best thing thats happened to me this week is that i discovered my cleavage as the best hiding spot ever for weed.
I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
you don't seem to understand just how much pasta i spilled on my bed last night.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
On a scale of 1 to "bad descision", where does stealing my racist neighbors dog and giving him my roomates dildo for a chew toy rate?
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
Cheese, the small of a woman's back, the universe, mountains, vampiric demons, sleep, and dreams.
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
Can you explain to me why I showed my boobs to the firemen to get free beer?
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