Guess who has two thumbs, loves booze, and just dug half a handle of rumb out of a trash can in a freshmen dorm? This classy gentleman. Good day to you sir!
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.
Shitshow foam night was such a success
if drunk means calling me and asking to borrow the game of life at 2am then I think you were drunk
By cross-referencing our messages & her Twitter feed, I've deduced that she was eating spaghetti the whole time we were sexting.
Pizza rolls are incredible. They are like sex, except I have them sometimes
I also love my swipe to text changed a singular vagina to a plural vaginas. like my phone somehow knows I secretly want 2 vaginas
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Nothing can teach you regret more efficiently than a wine hangover.
He said my vagina is harder to escape than the Temple of Doom.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
