DUUUDE!! just found out that the fbi has a kids page. guess who's got a new jumior officer printout badge?
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
It wasn't the stripper that gave you the hickey but I just figured out who did
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
He fucks like those drill things that you see when you think of texas
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
He yelled "I'm Bruce Springsteen!" when he came. This is why I don't sleep with guys from Jersey.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
She said if you lived here it would be like the x rated version of 3's company
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