at a bar with my ex girlfriend.. both men AND WOMEN are hitting on her.. and not one has even looked at me
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
this dude, we had a connection. he kept smiling at me. it's like he knew i was gonna facebook stalk the fuck out of him
Why am I not blowing coke off your ass at my apartment?
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I danced with a french guy who licked the sweat off my neck and poured a drink on me. Not gonna lie, that shit was refreshing
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Randomize
