just saw Chris Hanson on the street. looked immediately around for video cameras. why is that my immediate reaction?
Was just practicing flip cup with my NyQuil cup...
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.
Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.
I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.
Where the hell are you
He's winning.
I've been alternating between telling people I was mauled by a bear or hit by a car to explain the massive unexplainable bruise on my leg. Slightly more worried now that the car idea is believable.
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I haven't had a bra on since I quit my job.
I had no plans to sleep with him, but he had to stay because of the snow. I always say, don't look a gift storm in the mouth.
you woke me up at 1am last night high on cough syrup to tell me jay z was an idiot for cheating on beyonce
Matt is trying to convince me that we have a deal where if I show him my tits he won't do cocaine. Apparently we shook hands on it?
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Well hell, he's gotta sleep in the bed he's made. Multiple times. For multiple girls I'm sure.
Randomize
