You're a womanizer and a bitch.
So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
just thought you should know that she got home at about 6am.... totally wasted. she was locked out and when i finally came to the door she was on a patio across the street with some random making hotdogs on somebodys elses bbq.
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.
Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.
Ah, my reputation precedes me.
I'm hard boiling eggs, drinking rum, and talking to my 8 year old brother about the 10's times tables. This is what thursday is all about.
She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
I used the light from the first guy's text notification to be able to snapchat the second guy in the dark. I am too good at juggling guys.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
sitting in the kitchen naked and eating stirfry, random dude left my room saying thanks and gave me a bottle of wine. explain...
I remember you fighting a small man for the last of the pizza. Was there a midget in my house last night?
Somehow i instagrammed my acceptance letter while blacked out. Then my grandma was the first to comment on it. I got over 50 likes....Phd here I come....
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
Randomize
