I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
between no blow jobs for the rest of his life, or no cheese for the rest of his life, he chose no blowjobs. ive never felt so bad about my bj abilities before
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
We were confused who drove until we went outside and her cupholders were torn out of the dash and laying on the ground
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
Finished my senior thesis. How am I celebrating you ask? By drinking gas station white zif out of an empty candle holder by myself. I fucking deserve to graduate.
Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now
Can we fangirl? Can we have fangirl Tuesdays?
Sure lol what's that?
Oh, dear, sweet Laura. Please start singing A Whole New World. I have Aladdin's part, you're Jasmine.
Why?
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I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
Want a bet? I'm a kinky and determined motherfucker with a libido that is not easily stopped
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