I owe all of my success to double stuf oreos and weed.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..
Did you eat 9 cans of raviolii last night?
Come on man nobody wants to admit that
well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
Periods are much less exciting when you're not sexually active.
Randomize
