new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
you were mass sexting so we took your phone away
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days
Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Pretending to be completely fried so the odd girl next to me doesnt suspect im simply staring at her.
I just screamed IM THE CHUPACABRA and jumped on his dick. I need to evaluate my life choices.
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
go for it girl, the world is ur dick oyster
Its official, kitchen-couch is my favorite.
You passed out again didn't you?
its likely that this occurred.
It took me years of patience and pilates and yoga and flirting to land that penis. So yeah, I’m going to ride it into the sunset and live orgasmically ever after
Randomize
