girls just need to accept the fact that i'm going to make out with their boyfriends
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
no, but he did start crying. who the fuck is 30, covered in tattoos and crys about an ex? get your shit together, man.
the girl whose rug I peed on is here
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
What drinking game we play yesterday? Fight club or something?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
Chasing down vodka with apple juice and crying. Alone.
Randomize
