Would it be horrible to send my ex's girlfriend an email telling her that I sexed her man up so dirty that he fell asleep inside of me afterwards?
How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
all i know is i woke up with a braid in my hair and i vaguely remember a cab driver telling me he would give me $10,000 to get him a green card. and he would take me to turkey. and give me free cab rides. im never drinking on my medicine again. lol.
somehow writing 'not a skank' on yur boobs doesn't really make you look less skanky...
I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?
PLEASE. I won't throw up on the floor this time. Or fuck in the bathroom. Or dance on the pool table. So PLEASE.
You're worse than that girl who made out with her cousin at that party
That was you...
Just made a beer run. At 9am. In my pjs. I should not be graduating today
Please tell me you're not home alone watching Glitter.
Can you see in?
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
Idk I'm drinking Sam Adams and wearing new balances so I'm basically a dad
I HAD SEX WITH COLBY AND HIS FIVE YEAR PLAN IS TO STEAL A REALLY EXPENSIVE PAINTING AND ASKED ME IF ID BE INTO HELPING HIM AND I WOKE UP IN HIS BED TO A WOMANS TUBE TOP NEXT TO ME
I threw a lamp at you?
Yes, yes you did.
Awesome
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