This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends
Nothing screams don't date me louder then having your baby as your profile pic
I know we had a good night last night because his turtle was half asleep chewing on the used condom.
Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
Who would have guessed that on my moms birthday she'd have sex with the door open. :(
Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
OK... But I need to shower first because I'm covered in stuff I definitely shouldn't have slept in
Remember when I puked into a mesh garbage can in the middle of a meeting and told the clients it was "morning sickness"?
hahah yep
Well the are flying back here, it's been like 10 months, should I frame fake baby pics in my office?? Or too much?
I am the most hated person in hoboken. Ive been doing drunken cake boss impressions down the street for the past 20 mins.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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