I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
This house was built for laser tag.
Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.
Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.
There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.
I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
did i make more ranch sandwiches last night
you had 4
He found a way to charmingly ask me for a threesome and when I said no he made it sound like he was even happier. He's a fucking wizard
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
My bed smells like the plague
not being a booty call is very strange. Who knew there was so much time for activities at night!
Now that I'm sober I feel the need to tell you that I'm not really a fish whisperer....
I think I'm the first girl to break a bed with a guy, without even having sex with him while doing so.
Randomize
