so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
I'm going to community service drunk, and I'm still going to be the most normal person there.
i saw like six of her guido cousins in the jersey shore trailer alone. her family is having a dinner party for the premiere tonight.
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
Looks like I'm not in the Ashly Madison files. But my wife is.
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
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