On my way home i need to take a massive dump and couldn't wait.
just by requesting 'I think we're alone now', not only did you achieve emptying the bar, but you also rubbed it in the owners face.
i just shit an entire soup salad and breadsticks from the olive garden... bud light wins again.
well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.
I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
My doctor said I can only have one drink at a time, ever, from now on. My life has officially started its decline.
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
Pretty sure keeping my vibrator in the same drawer with the weed makes it work better. I fall asleep almost immedi
Your not drunk until you have to grab on to the grass to keep from falling off the earth.
I called to inform you I may or may not be getting laid tonight ...
Fuck this virus. We’re finally back on campus but the bars suck parties are banned sports are canceled we eat in our rooms and can’t fucking hangout with anyone. I’m tired of virtual classes and involuntary celibacy
OMG IKR! It’s not college unless we’re puking in a toilet wondering if we’re pregnant or just hungover!
Randomize
