I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"
When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
I like to take my ritalin one pill at a time with each pill spaced out a couple minutes so I feel like I'm going super saiyan when they kick in.
I just made a cocktail. Had one shot of vodka left. It looked lonely so I decided to reunite it with its vodka friends in my bloodstream.
Starting the day at 1:44 in the afternoon. With a hot pocket and a mixer. Who knew my life had this kind of possibility.
Cuz I feel like I ate the whole candy isle at 7/11 last night and chased it with rum
You pretty much did tho
i refuse to give everyone the satisfaction of seeing the results of my acting on my thoughts
I stopped hooking up with him and ran to the bathroom to throw up. He saw me throwing up and it made him throw up
There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
Randomize
