who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.
You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.
it felt like I walked into a Tool Academy challenge
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.
We are going to get high as balls and watch netflix
THIS IS WHAT BEING AN ADULT LOOKS LIKE
So guess who got away with telling their girlfriend she's insane multiple times in a Valentine's day card. Yup, this guy.
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
Remind me never to smoke before babysitting again. Ate an entire bottle of children's gummy vitamins.... not an easy thing to explain to parents.
I just remembered that last night I seriously contemplated swallowing the cap to my toothpaste
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Fuck me I smell like cheese
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Randomize
