How does everyone that never saw me naked know I'm built like a smurf?
I'm high, and her 2,100 tagged pictures annoy me even MORE. I wish it had a google searchbar so I could type in "cleavage pics" to get to the point.
Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
It's tough not drinking when the bartender adds rum to your coke without telling you, and doesn't charge you
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I'm texting you the word "cockring" because I feel it hasn't been said enough throughout our friendship.
Do you still have "be bumpin" written on your ass in glitter pen? Who brings a glitter pen to a bar? Or pulls there ass out for that matter...
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
Fucked him in his sketchy van in the Applebee's parking lot. In other news, my dry spell is over.
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
Guess who cheated on their SATs? Also on the same line guess who's getting in to Princeton at damn near free of charge?
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
