Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
considering i was high when my dad made me pee in the cup i might fail this one
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
You're fine
I'm hiding in my chest because my walls smell weird. I'm not fine.
I'm worried my skin won't stretch enough to handle this boner. Then what?
I feel like I got hit by a bus. A head on collision with my vag.
You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Have you ever just sat there and thought about past penises?
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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