My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
He asked me if I could call his penis destroyer... Uhh SOS.
We used a lit joint as a candle for her birthday cake
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Just walked into the bathroom and looked straight ahead and made eye contact with a guy taking a shit through the crack in the stall door...
The only way to make beer can wizard staffs any better is to sew your own wizards robe and hat to go along with it. welcome to tuesday nights at my new apartment
This is the second girl that said she wanted to fuck me while wearing a clown nose. Fuck online dating
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I may be a feminist, but I am not above using my body to distract you if it means I might beat you in a game of scrabble.
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
RAAAAAAAAWWWWRRRRRR
THATS ME HOWLING MY ENJOYMENT OF THE THINGS WE CAN DO WHILE GETTING DRUNK
I might need to come puke in your toliet on the way home
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
I dont know. He's too private. After you fuck him find out his secrets.
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