Whatever my ex gf's roomates talked shit about me so I jizzed in their shampoo bottle one night
Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
I just took my birth control with Redi-Whip. I'm that girl.
We kind of crashed their funeral party. Oops.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Don't get mad at me now, you have my car and all the doughnuts
It's slightly odd going to a booty call during morning rush hour with everyone else going to work.
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I thought it was your cat but I was wrong your Roomba is possessed by a pissed-off evil spirit.
Randomize
