Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
I got an 8 ball and a free entrance pass to the strip club, if i dont get laid tonight I never will.
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Operation rebound complete... I fucked the bouncer
Had sex outside for the third time last night. Mosquito bites all over my ass, and i think i have a rash on my nipples. When will i learn.
Just wait till winter
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
He was cute in a Sketchy-trying-to-sell-you-a-vaccum-at-9-at-night kinda way.
I got conspiracy theory drunk.
Randomize
