I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
Vibrator and massage oils got stopped at security. Super.
if i hear one more christmas song, i will fucking shoot myself.
i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.
So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore
You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?
It was like getting head from an anaconda
You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Specially since he wanted to forget that we even touched, which makes it funnier because I don't think you can take back licking someone's butthole...
Because bro, I don't want your dick being touched mid conversation.
How do I send someone an apology text for giving them a lap dance in the middle of a party last night?
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
