I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.
New charity walk idea!
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The cop was more concerned with the syringes on the dash board than looking for the source of the smoke. Thank god for diabetes!
Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?
I left a care package of Jack Daniel's, pancake mix and porn in your apartment. Merry fucking Christmas.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.
My desire to pee is a lot higher than my need to be buzzed right now.
I'M NOT EVEN STOPPING FOR WINE SO I CAN GET TO THAT DICK QUICKER.
Opening my shipments of mascara and nipple pasties this morning like a boss bitch
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
Randomize
