Not only did I see you last night, you had me help you meet women by convincing them you were deaf and only I understood your sign language
Don't judge me. It was less weird than it sounds when we were in the moment and it was his birthday
slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...
50 year old business women like dick too. Come on she said you looked like Ricky Martin.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I've discovered the best way to avoid rehab is to not fuck fat chicks when your drunk, therefore delaying regrets and rock bottom
your the Dr. Phil in my life
Today is an unchanging day
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Apparently my Ambien addled brain last night actually did decide to go ahead and photoshop you into various animal and human molesting scenarios. That's a hell of a thing to wake up to.
I am no longer drunk enough to crave tostitos
Whatever. I just want to indulge in this mcchicken and forget all about his tiny penis.
It was dumb but not something to force me into sobriety
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Have you forgotten that this whole sexy cop role play started with a comment about my mom?
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I think I'm more excited for Santa to come now that I made a drinking game out of it
Randomize
