My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
Well, if your day started with strippers, then we're tied. Otheriwse, I'm winning.
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I hope my margaritas pass through security.
i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building
You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
I know he’s a bad decision but he's casual, his penis is amazing and his technique is on point.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
I never thought I'd be complaining about having sex 4 times a day, but here we are...
Randomize
